i had another dream about you
it was frustrated and confused
hopeless and relieved
it still baffles me that you're gone
death is so weird
where did you go
where am i now
how am i here and you not
when i feel you so present
sometimes and sometimes
i doubt it
sometimes i wonder
if i'm just convincing myself
so that i can even go on
so that i'm not destroyed by your absence
other times there's no doubt
and it's the greatest feeling in the world
a harmony of everything
material and etherial
all together in some master plan
that makes no sense
and makes all the sense
fate and free will
in a way that isn't logical
to my stupid brain
and is

when i dream of you is it possible
it's really you there
communicating through me
or is it all coming from me
just my stupid brain going off
being weird
death is sooo weird!
life is so weird
what is this all about
why do we do this
to ourselves
to ourself
all this pain
all these feelings
monkey minds
mind your business
mind your manners
mind your mines, yours' and ours'
wake up!

i've had moments of what i think is the meaning
behind the catchphrase wake up
and every time it happens
it scares the shit out of me
my shit
the fuck out
because it's like this:
it's like all i've known in this life is not real
it's like to catchphrase-surrender into it
i have to let go of myself completely
so there is no more me
i'm this great entity
that is also you and everything else
but i don't know, man
i like being me
i like playing this game
i don't want to die yet
i've still got shit to do!
did you decide you didn't?
have shit to do anymore?
did you have moments of catchphrase-waking-up
that you catchphrase-surrendered into?
or did you just give up?
because life was too painful and scary
(another kind of surrender
but not the catchphrase kind)?

life is sometimes painful and scary
like the times when i miss you so much
i don't want to live either
but there's always the moment right after
where just the missing of you
is so much feeling
and that feeling
feels so alive
and it feels so good
to feel that much alive
that it's all worth it
this feeling
of being
not yet free

Lisa Rachel Snyder