or what if i got fat?

or what if i got fat.jpeg

it paints an ugly picture but a real one
one of anger towards my gut my core
and so much food that no one with any sense
of self-love could ever begin to feed
a hole that won't fill with food
means so much food but still hungry
always hungry
and too scared to try
because what if it didn't work?
to love myself?
or the worst thing in the world:
what if i got fat in the process?
how could i love that lump of flesh?
how could anyone?
the fat girl inside my only partially fat body
partially fat because i only partially ate like a fat girl
the other times i ate like a boney creature
somehow it evened out
which was strategic
so no one would know
at first glance
appearances
not reality
not the truth
all looked good on the surface
that's how i liked it
it was my secret loathing
my secret pain
secret even to myself
a secret so deep inside i couldn't face it
too scary
too fat
it's different now this self-loathing
it's not centered on food anymore
it's centered on love
on the you who is not able to love me no matter how much i try
i choose those yous on purpose to prove to myself that i've been right all along
to self-loathe
but self-love
this new concept
what is it really and why is it so hard?
it's way easier not to go there
not to feel the pain of all the times i hated myself so deeply
so forcefully
but the pain is not real
the real is love
just love
it lives underneath it all
if i can ever feel all the stuff covering it up
the scary stuff guarding the truth
a truth that is so clear and so pure and so love
just love
so they say
so i know
so so
so

Lisa Rachel Snyder