unchording my core uncoordinatedly

unchording my core uncoordinatedly.jpeg

i'm working with my "main" issue now
abandonment
invalidation
that core hurt inside
(my core)
chords and cords out to others
to save me
to relieve the pain
reenacting abandonment again and again
pushing them away, almost purposely
like, "see! i really am toxic! really not love-worthy!"
"this ends now, i'm done!" i say every time
moments before the hurt summons and the core calls out and i'm scattered in tears and anger and regret
scaring the shit out of whoever happens to be at the other end of the cord this time:
a pretty face with light eyes
someone who believed me when i acted strong
once an actress always an actress?

"this ends now, i'm done..."
and so begins my swandive into that whirlpool in my stomach that hurts too much to feel
that ate too little, that ate too much
zigzagging
whirling for most of my life
unchording my core
uncoordinatedly
taking it on, trying to
so trying all this trying

this ends now, i'm done
because this time it's mine
(but not me)
and speaking of me
and you
and us
all eyes inward and upward:
please help

Lisa Rachel Snyder