a bright and shining grin of encouragement

a bright and shining grin of encouragement.jpeg

"i have really bad news"
the phrase still gives me chills
uttered after two and half hours of panicked not-knowing
a panicked not-knowing that was almost worse than that phrase
almost
for those who didn't know him
danny was a bright and shining grin of encouragement
a lover not a fighter
a winner not a loser
a champion for the underdog
always looking out for the good of others
often neglecting the good of himself
"i have really bad news" came from my dad
it made my head roll back like the way you see in movies
silent horror across my face my chest and surroundings even
anguish indescribable
i was sitting in bed by myself
shaking
not-knowing
what to do
the terror
the denial
the relief?
how could this be
how could my lifelong companion be
dead
nonexistent
not possible
this was not real
this happens to other people
not to me
can't be
not real not real not real
"danny, are you here?"
song lyrics answered back
"and a fall from you is a long way down
i've found a better way out
and a fall from you is a long way down
i know a better way out"
danny!
it felt like a cloud of love hovered over me
like he was there
but not
but truly there
but not
i was taken care of
and yet a part of me had died
a part of me was empty
never to be refilled
never like before
perhaps to be refilled with something new
something intangible
forever changed
a difference i never wanted
a difference i still hate
a difference nonetheless that has forced me to face my demons
forced me to face my immortality
not forced but asked
to face my own fears about everything i thought was real
but isn't
or is
my whole life unreal
a difference that has asked me to take refuge
in a truth i can't describe in words
but have experienced
in the only way it can be experienced
wholeheartedly
unconditionally
i never wanted this
but i didn't have a say in the matter
or did i
asked to learn
that love is greater
in this refuge
than anything describable
greater than anything not real
like danny
an ultimate reality
in its purest form
the need for nothing more
than this
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Lisa Rachel Snyder